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A Haiku Recap Of The Losers' Debate On CNBC

The Huffington Post The Huffington Post 28/10/2015 Jason Linkins
ATHENA IMAGE © ROBYN BECK via Getty Images ATHENA IMAGE

Tonight on teevee

We bail out some losers

On CNBC.

Why do this, at all.

It's a bafflement indeed.

Alas, here we are.

George Pataki here.

Also we've Rick Santorum.

And Bobby Jindal.

Who is the fourth one?

Guess. Come on! Take a wild guess.

Lindsey Graham! That's right.

Your hosts tonight though?

We got Carl Quintanilla.

Also Becky Quick.

Plus there's John Harwood.

And assorted other folks

From CNBC.

Harwood touts those who

Run as outsiders so, guys

What about it? Answer this.

Bobby Jindal says

Let us shrink the government.

Santorum agrees.

Pataki, well, huh?

Walking both sides of the street

In and out, okay.

Lindsay Graham next.

Wants to talk about the VA.

And about Clinton.

Tomorrow, it seems

Never seems to happen, guys

Says rueful Jindal

Then Jindal belches

More about socialism

Europe? So, so bad.

"Hey! 9/11!"

"9/11! 911!"

Lindsay's old refrain.

"We need a flat tax,"

Says Rick Santorum, who adds

He is way pro-growth.

George Pataki next

Says Obama holds our troops.

In hugs? No: hostage!

"Nonsense on a stick."

Says Harwood for some reason.

Sounds quite delicious.

Here, I must admit,

My attention? It trailed off.

Understandable!

It is a sad joke

That these men fruitlessly stay,

In a race that's lost.

Is this even good

For CNBC's ratings?

Likely a low bar!

OH NO JIM CRAMER

RUN FOR THE HILLS IT'S CRAMER

TALKING CYBERWAR

LIKE, PANICKY, MAN

Cramer wants to know right now:

Can we cyberbomb?

Cramer says to Graham:

"You are a hawk," and lo, look!

Graham grows two wings!

Literally a hawk!

Graham is a noble raptor,

Soaring o'er the stage.

Harwood, more earthbound

Brings up corporate taxes

Snore snore snooze, ennui!

Jindal has a plan.

T'will never be enacted.

Not ever, never.

What I think right now?

This here moderating crew?

Getting some practice.

Except for Cramer!

He's turning men into hawks!

And hawks: into men.

Carl Quintanilla

Asks Graham about climate change.

"SKREEEE!" says the hawk, Graham.

"Squawk, squawk," says hawk-Graham

Cool, 'cause CNBC has

A show called Squawk Box

"RAAAAAAAAH RAAAAAH," angry hawk-Graham

Rants us to the commercial.

You can catch your breath!

And now I worry

How long is this thing, my God?

How long is this thing.

I asked on Twitter

Hey guys, how long is this thing?

"Too," came the reply.

There is some yelling,

To which Pataki objects.

He wants time to talk.

But not that much time!

Becky Quick quickly ends it.

Sparing he and us.

On what path are we?

Jindal: "Toward socialism."

Right, right, got it, bro.

Harwood asks Lindsey:

"Corporations overseas?

Yea, nay, what have you?"

Lindsey is a hawk!

Did Harwood forget Cramer?

Forget those magicks?

Hey, Rick Santelli!

Good thing, good thing. Welcome, dude.

Needed some more smarm.

First say Santelli.

Then say Pataki. Out loud.

Repeat and repeat.

Good news everyone:

Santorum on Ex-Im Bank!

We can all die now.

Beer merger question!

Asked to ... Rick Santorum, eh!

He is not concerned.

To be honest, Rick.

You're being Panglossian

About small brewers here.

I would recommend:

Listen to my podcast, Rick.

We cover this.

An observation.

Given enough time to watch,

Bobby and Rick blur.

Both men have a trait.

When they speak, it sounds like sobs.

Sobs and racking breaths.

George Pataki though.

He is having an effect

(Called "Dunning-Kruger").

HEY TRUMP MENTION! DRINK!

Santorum invokes the man

Bedeviling them.

Maybe I'm crazy?

Did Jindal just brag about

Closing hospitals?

Lindsay, who's a hawk,

He has mellowed out somewhat.

Showing softer side.

Yes, by which I mean:

A "side" that doesn't mention

9/11, guys.

Tony Fratto says,

Graham might get a bump from this.

I mean, sure, I guess.

The thing is, Tony,

This is what's been said each time

These debates occur.

So far Carly's win

Has not been replicated.

By the rest of them.

But okay, Lindsey.

If anyone deserves this.

He can punch out Trump!

It's the lightning round!

Jindal likes the Super Bowl.

And softball questions.

Finally, mercy.

It's time for closing statements.

Thirty seconds each

"America is great."

Says Lindsey Graham: the hawk-man

Destiny's raptor.

Pataki meanwhile:

Wants you all to know tonight.

He is not cray-cray.

Santorum speaks next.

Manufacturing's his schtick

Since 2012.

Finally, Jindal.

"This is our hour," he's convinced.

Socialism, boo!

And so it's over.

And the losers will depart.

Sing them all to sleep.

 

For the latest updates on tonight's debate, visit our liveblog.

Jason Linkins edits "Eat The Press" for The Huffington Post, and co-hosts the HuffPost politics podcast, "So That Happened." Listen to the latest episode below:

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