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Bay Area dad attempts to clean up son's vomit in car, sitcom-quality plot follows

San Francisco Chronicle San Francisco Chronicle 18/05/2016 Alyssa Pereira
Facebook/Ben Patterson © Hearst Newspapers Facebook/Ben Patterson

A Bay Area dad named Ben Patterson tried to do something nice for his wife last Thursday. Patterson agreed to watch their kids solo so that she could take a night off and hang out with a few friends.

But the night didn't begin as anticipated.

In a now-viral Facebook post, Patterson hilariously relays what happens after "projectile vomit occurred" inside the car on the way home. The father, who describes himself as a "sympathetic vomiter," ended up dry heaving on the side of the road while trying to wipe his son, Declan. 

"I can't even be in the car, it's so awful," he wrote in a frantic text message to his wife. "I seriously don't know what to do I'm barfing every time I try to clean him up."

© Facebook/Ben Patterson

What happened next seems like it fell right out of the pages of a "Modern Family" script. 

"I'm puking on some lady's lawn in Burlingame and she comes out to ask me if I'm drunk while driving the kids," he added. "I'm trying to explain that I'm a sympathetic vomiter and I can't handle the smell. This is SO BAD." 

And yet, as things tend to go, it got worse. Way worse.

Cops rolled up before Patterson could compose himself and administered a breathalyzer test on him (which he passed, of course). He eventually ended up driving home with the windows down while trying to breathe through his shirt, but not before offering this text:


The post, which includes a photo of his son and screenshots of his frenzied, unanswered texts to his wife, has now been shared more than 150,000 times, presumably by lots of moms for whom this is basically an ordinary day.

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