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Online Dating: Why You're Not Getting Lucky in Love

The Huffington Post The Huffington Post 17/03/2016 Julie Spira
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Spring is around the corner and it makes one wonder when the lucky in love train will be arriving.
With the change of seasons, singles are calling and writing in record numbers seeking help and guidance with an achy pain and frustrated feeling.
They're swiping, smiling, flirting, and they're still single. They're wondering what they're doing wrong.
If you feel this way, know that you're not alone. Just like you may do a spring cleaning of your wardrobe and check your medical health at the beginning of the season, it's also time for a digital checkup on the reasons why you're not successful with online dating, or any dating for that matter.
Roman philosopher Seneca said it best when he talked about luck. "Luck is a matter of preparation meeting opportunity. " I couldn't agree more.
Just how prepared are you? How much effort are you willing to put towards the process to find love and keep love in your life? Are you waiting for fate to arrive, or are you willing to take matters into your own hands?
Here's an open letter to women to make room in your hearts to find love this season and beyond.
Do any of these sound familiar?

  • I'm unhappy with the quality of matches.
  • I think all guys want to hook up.
  • Online dating and mobile dating feels like too much work.
  • No one responds to my emails.
  • Guys have too many options and are looking for the next great swipe.
  • All he wants to do is text.
  • I don't want to be online for too long.
  • The same people are online that were online last year.

The list goes on.
These gripes and frustrations are coming from both men and women. You see, we've all been there. I can tell you that we are coaching more men these days than women. Guys out there are are serious about finding love and having a meaningful relationship.
They pay for a dating coach, they put the expense and effort into getting new photos taken, they're proactive, and are writing to ten women a day. They put the same effort into online dating to find a partner as they do in getting that promotion at work. They know it can take a moment, a day, a week, or a year. They do the work and they don't complain about it, well not usually.
This is what someone does when they pursue what they're looking for. Seek and ye shall find.
As women, we are trained to wait for the man to find us. It's in our DNA. We don't search as often and we don't send ten emails to men every day. We don't respond first to that mutual match on a mobile dating app. That's too much male energy for us. We think about the guy who couldn't commit, we think about a potential date's height, income, our ex who found a younger girlfriend, and the boyfriend who cheated. There's so much negative thinking going on, that it's impossible to attract someone great. Guys are guilty until proven innocent.
Related: Ladies, Make the First Move Online to Score 2.5 More Dates
These days, if you don't have a mobile dating strategy, you're pretty much not in the game. Not every swipe turns into a match. Not every match turns into a date. Not every date turns into your boyfriend. Not swiping means you just might be waiting and waiting. Next season, you'll be reading this post again waiting for summer to begin, wondering where all the great guys are.
So what are the guys complaining about?
  • Every girl's profile looks the same.
  • Every girl wants a sugar daddy or someone to pay her bills.
  • Women have too many choices and they never write back.
  • We want to sleep with her eventually, but we need to have chemistry.
  • Women are looking for free meals.
  • Women complain about bad dates, ex's, work, and money.
  • She's a serial dater and not looking for something serious.
  • The same people are online that were online last year.

As a Digital Matchmaker and Online Dating Expert for over 20 years, I can tell you that both men and women have the same complaints. They want to connect, they just can't find you. Or if they find you, you don't seem open and available, as you're burned out on digital dating, or still hung up on an ex.
I'm here to tell you that women are allowed to make the first move. This is why both women and men enjoy the new Bumble app, where women make the first move. Women have control over their love lives, rather than waiting for their one in 50 million to arrive. Men are flattered to hear from the women. Guys are frustrated when they constantly keep swiping and writing, with no reply. Yes, matches are being made. It's what happens IRL that can help or hinder the process of getting to a second date and starting a relationship.
Here's the thing, everyone's dating online. No one says they're super-excited to be dating five guys or women a week for 52 weeks. They're hoping their online dating tenure is shorter, rather than longer.
A Pew Internet Research survey on online dating has shown that 30% of women actually enlist the help of someone to write their dating profile. These are the women who are taking it seriously. The same survey also showed that three times the amount of singles 18-24 are using mobile dating apps as compared to two years ago. They also found that online dating use for adults 25-54 has doubled in the same time period. Everyone from your kids to grandma are dating online.
As you write down your long list of what you're looking for and what you're not looking for, I urge you to take any negative words or statements out of your vocabulary, out of your profile, and out of your first few dates. Everyone has a bad day here or there. If you're a walking train wreck, no one will want to date you or fall in love with you. As much as guys say they want a drama-free woman, there is no such thing as a drama-free life.
I urge you to leave the drama behind, leave the novel behind, and go out and be happy. Be the person you'd want to date. Enjoy meeting new people and learning about life outside of your world.
If your profile is filled with deal-breakers and you're saying "don't contact me if...," I promise you, he won't. More tools and dating apps exist now to help you with your search.
Life and love have a bit of luck involved, but it's the effort that you put towards the process that will determine the outcome of your fate.
Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam. xo
Julie Spira is America's top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She's been coaching singles on how to find love on the Internet for over 20 years. Julie's CEO and founder of Cyber-Dating Expert and the author of the bestseller, The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. Sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter and follow @JulieSpira on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

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