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The Bachelor Recap, Episode 9: Jeneric Jamaica

The Huffington Post logo The Huffington Post 3/03/2016 Samantha Rodman PhD

Beneric lands in the Jeneric vacation destination of Jamaica.  He wears a salmon colored shirt for the occasion.  Farmed salmon, not wild-caught, to illustrate how the women on this show are not allowed to leave the hotel without Beneric, on penalty of death, or being thrown off the show, which is worse.
Beneric recounts the wonderful times he has shared with each of his finalists.  Caila is beautiful and always has a smile.  Lauren "just feels right" but "may be too good for" Beneric.  And Jojo, whose family is monstrous, despite the fact that she's super sexy.  We see the ladies in various cute bathrobes in their hotel rooms, primping while philosophizing about the future with this generic man god.
Caila appears for their rafting date looking cute as usual. It seems like they are running out of stuff to say on the raft, though, which leads to Ominous Music, because Caila Feels Anxious.  She is upset that there are other women involved.  THERE ARE???!!!! HOLY SMOKES, CAILA!!!  He's cheating on you!  Oh wait, this is the damn show.  Right.  She vacillates internally about telling him she's in love with him.  She can't Open Up.  Beneric worries that something is holding her back from Being Herself.  Caila eats food, which is unlikely as a usual pasttime due to her lithe and man-attracting figure.  They sip drinks out of coconuts and talk, except she still can't get up the cajones to say she loves him.
Now it's the dinner part, and Caila and Beneric really bond, and finally she says, "I'm in love with you."  Bam.  Making out.  Young, toddler-free love.  It's a beautiful thing.  Beneric says this is what he's been wanting, and everything just feels right.  Of course it does.  You're on a tropical island with a beautiful woman.  Oh damn, now is the fantasy suite invitation card!  Didn't know that was coming up, I must be off my Bachelor game. Caila, of course, is DTF and they proceed to the hotel, with fireworks exploding in the sky and in their pants.
Beneric and Caila wake up together and obviously had great sex.  Anyone would have great sex with Caila, since she's hot.  Just channeling my inner guy. My four year old comes over and again says that I look like Caila, so I again rewrite my will to exclude my other children.
Lauren's turn.  She's wearing "shorts" which actually appear to be denim underwear.  She is also planning to tell him she loves him.  He's two for two.  How is it even possible that a jealous horde of male viewers doesn't murder Beneric?  Here he is, banging three hotties on consecutive nights, in a socially condoned way, in exotic locations and hotels that he doesn't even have to pay for.  Life = unfair.  Best you learn this early, kids.
Beneric and Caila look at baby turtles.  Awww.  They release baby turtles into the wild, like how Beneric's penis is released into three women in the fantasy suite.  Beneric tells Lauren that he has cried thinking of how she is too good for him, and she has an orgasm on the spot.  Damn, Beneric.  You are smooth.  If he marries Caila, she's going to watch that scene over and over and then divorce Beneric when the kids get out of college.
Lauren and Beneric hang out in front of a firepit, which is an analogy for the hot sex they will have in the hotel room later that evening.  They discussed how into each other they are.  Much more fun than the small talk of later years.  She says, "Ben, oh my gosh, you are legitimately the man of my dreams."  Fast forward two years: "YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME!!!  WHY DO YOU SAY YOU'RE GOING TO LEAVE WORK AT 5:30 AND YOU DON'T LEAVE TILL 6:30???"  Enjoy it while it lasts, buddy boy.
Lauren agrees to the fantasy suite, obv, and says she wants to "do us" and it's "all or nothing" so I'm calling a BJ.  And now she says she's "completely in love with [his generic ass]."  WHOA HOLY, Beneric just answered that he's known he's in love with her for a while as well!!  Stop the presses!  He isn't allowed to tell any of the girls that till the last episode and the proposal!  WTF!  Game. Changed.  Her ego: TREMENDOUS.  She is the first girl on this show to get an I love you before the last episode.  Bam, blondes have more fun.
Next morning.  The young lovers are so happy that it makes all the viewers happy.  Or want to curl up and die.  One or the other. Because we're all different and that's okay.  Beneric leaves and reflects that telling Lauren he loves her complicates things, as he has a date coming up with Jojo.  No s%^&.
Jojo and Beneric race toward each other across a field of green.  Her expression is reminiscent of my kids' expressions when they see my husband come in through the door at the end of a workday.  Because he pushed them out through his vagina and works part time to take care of their asses.  Oh wait that's me.  Life is unfair, kids, I told you.
Beneric and Jojo canoodle in front of the water.  Here comes the ubiquitocopter.  They alight in it. Jojo wishes there were more words to explain how great she feels when she is with Beneric, preferably with two or fewer syllables so that she could say them.  Back on land, there is a waterfall.  Jojo says she wishes she was in Beneric's head.  She will have to content herself with just giving him head in the fantasy suite.
Jojo tells Beneric she loves him and he says, like an idiot, "Jojo, I love you too."  It is embarrassingly obvious that she thinks that this ends the show and he's now going to tell her that the other girls are gone and she's won.  But no.  Instead, it is a faux pas the likes of which has not been seen on this show.
Dinner date.  Jojo "has zero doubts that he'll be my husband."  You poor deluded fool.  She is obviously talking like she knows the game is won.  Any minute now, he needs to tell her that he told it to Lauren to.  But he won't.  Because, fantasy suite.  Now, to distract from telling her that he's polyamorous, Beneric brings up Jojo's crazy protective brothers, and the best defense is an offense.
Hey, fantasy suite card, and guess what, she's up for it too.  3 for 3, Beneric.  Jojo discusses how this is all fairy tale perfect, and doesn't he have a conscience???  I mean, she would stake her life that he only said I love you to her.
Jojo and Beneric wake up and tell each other how cute each other is.  Really. They feed each other fruit and cuddle.  I'm assuming he didn't take a break from sex to tell her that he's also in love with Lauren.  Also, there is the Caila issue.  She runs over to him, after telling the camera that she knows Beneric loves her.  No, he doesn't.  Because when he does love someone, even two people, he tells them.  Both.  Separately.  So now Caila's on the breakup train to Bachelor Pad.
Caila starts to realize that her "fun surprise" has turned into "a horrible nightmare" as Beneric says he is in love with two women.  She's still nodding when she realizes he doesn't even mean she's one of the two.  As he continues to discuss his feelings, she says, "That sounds like a line."  Then she starts to cry and graciously says she loves him and is going to go.  He walks her out, like the gentleman who screws three girls and loves two that he is.  Caila gets into the limo, and then she jumps back out of the limo and asks when he knew about dumping her.  He says some BS and she gets back into the limo, mentally chastising herself for ruining her graceful exit.  She cries in the limo, saying her purpose in life is to love other people and she hasn't found anyone yet.  Don't cry, at least you aren't one of Beneric's "two true loves" that he discusses in his next interview.
Rose ceremony.  Wait, how can there be a rose ceremony if there's only two women left?  Oh, that's right, because neither woman knows that he loves another woman too.  Right.  So now they both need to go to his hometown and whatever, just as though he was still deciding who he loves.  But now he's deciding who he loves MORE.
The girls look around for Caila, and Beneric shows up and says she's not coming. Both women look slightly confused as he discusses how he's so lucky to have two so incredible women, since both think they are his one and only.  The blue sky and fluffy white clouds provide a picturesque backdrop for the girls' interviews, where it seems to dawn on them simultaneously that Beneric may be feeding them both the same line.
Next week on the Bachelor, the stupid women tell all episode that ruins my week every single time. Because JUST GIVE ME THE FINALE, YOU TORTURERS!!  And the following week, the TV event of the year, involving tears, drama, and a dual proposal, possibly. And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Polyamory Is On Trend, Guys.

This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest. Order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family. This blog is not intended as diagnosis, assessment, or treatment, and should not replace consultation with your medical provider.

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