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The FOX Business/WSJ GOP Debate Sparknotes

The Huffington Post The Huffington Post 11/11/2015 Sam Corey

Since their last convening, the GOP primary has been rather tumultuous.
The RNC threw a temper tantrum against CNBC for their moderator's performance and demanded less adversarial and more substantive questions.
Many candidates also insisted the hosts lower their room temperatures, so they don't sweat during these heated debates about how much the government should cut taxes, deregulate everything and defund every department and social program.
Carly Fiorina was flagrantly dismayed that CNN fact checked her about her claims that everything Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton does is terrible for women and Planned Parenthood is harvesting body parts.
God forbid a reputable news organization does what they get paid to do. Unfortunately, reality has a liberal bias.
Donald Trump called out Ben Carson for being a serial liar in regards to details of his childhood. Realistically, Mr. Carson probably sleepwalked through half of his life and just wrote down his lucid dreams in his autobiography.
Politico also revealed that Donald Trump sought campaign donations from the Koch Brothers, Sheldon Adelson and Paul Singer after months of calling his fellow candidates "puppets" for accepting their money.
He was ultimately snubbed by all of them, but it seems that all his bankruptcies has taken its toll and has rendered his ability to self-fund the greatest presidential campaign that single-handedly boosts FOX's, CNN's, CNBC's and even SNL's ratings.
Ben Carson released a hip-hop campaign ad in an effort to reach out to African-American voters. Ironically, this is probably the most racist thing a Republican candidate has done throughout the primary.
Jeb Bush recently rebranded his campaign to focus on his commitment to traveling back in time to prevent World War II by killing a baby Adolf Hitler. Guess he isn't so pro-life after all... #JebCanFixIt
As evidenced by his recent surge in the polls, Marco Rubio has proven that he isn't just an oversized boy scout and is a man who could potentially lead America to greatness.
Rand Paul and John Kasich have been doing something, somewhere.
Finally, two cherished members were demoted to the junior varsity Republican debate squad:

  • Mike Huckabee, the former Arkansas governor and apparently hypothetical sex offender who once admitted that he would "pretend" to be transgendered so he could shower in his middle school's girl locker room.
  • Chris Christie, the New Jersey governor who is as scared of terrorism as a Big Mac combo is scared of him.

The Fox Business/Wall Street Journal Republican Debate in Milwaukee was relatively calm, but here are the highlights:
  • In a shocking turn of events, every Republican candidate opposes raising the minimum wage. #fightforhalfof15
  • Ted Cruz is so good at American history, he used the economic policies of Calvin Coolidge of the Roaring '20s as an example of soaring economic growth. The Great Depression that followed wasn't THAT bad...
  • According to Donald Trump, the further south President Eisenhower deported immigrants, the less likely they were to return to the U.S. Maybe if we send illegal immigrants to Antarctica, we can film them and turn it into the sequel of March of the Penguins as they wander around in circles.
  • Carly Fiorina is calling for a three-page tax code. That's ridiculous, it should only be one Tweet long.
  • The Democrats are responsible for everything terrible about America.
  • In order to make government more functional, we need to cut every tax imaginable and eliminate the Departments of Housing & Urban Development, Commerce, Energy, Education and the IRS.
  • Due to their staunch commitment to fiscal responsibility, Marco Rubio, Donald Trump and Ted Cruz want to bolster a military that already costs more money to maintain than the next 10 countries combined. They believe, they KNOW, the world is a stronger and safer place when the American military is robust, other than the fact that our last decade of foreign policy contributed to instability in the Middle East, which helped create ISIS... but that's just semantics.
  • Currency manipulation is the worst thing to happen to the U.S. since Ebola, 9/11 and the Great Recession combined. All this is of major concern even though China isn't involved in the TPP, which contains stipulations banning currency manipulation. Donald Trump loves free-trade so much, we wants to impose a tariff on Mexico to help build his magnificent wall.
  • Rand Paul masterfully debated the music cue for commercial breaks at the midpoint of the debate.
  • Marco Rubio stealing a line from Team America when he states "terrorists hate us for our values."
  • Banks that are "too big to fail" are problematic, so deregulating them and telling them that greed is wrong will solve that.
  • Americans have to go to each candidate's website to find out any sort of detail about their tax and economic plans. We're just watching the debate to see how attractive the candidates are compared to the lingerie fashion models featured in the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show 2015.
  • Everything Hillary Clinton touches dies.

Again, nothing surprising here -- just more regurgitation of freedom-inspiring buzzwords of "small government," "family values," "lower taxes," "job opportunity," "big business" and "deregulation."
Every candidate said essentially everything they were expected to:
  • Donald Trump will be best friends with Russia and be the greatest president for creating jobs, building walls and taking care of veterans in the history of America.
  • Marco Rubio once lived from paycheck to paycheck, and since he's Hispanic, it's ok for him to talk about deporting illegal immigrants.
  • Carly Fiorina is the only candidate that can beat Hillary because she's a woman and she was the CEO of Hewlett Packard, whose awesome business experience of losing 30,000 jobs will help lead us to economic prosperity.
  • Rand Paul wants to work for government to get rid of government.
  • John Kasich governed the ever-living s**t out of Ohio and balanced every single budget he ever received.
  • Ted Cruz is eager to address America's most pressing issues, bring bipartisanship to Congress and rid Washington of its corruption by filibustering any legislation or socialist program that Ronald Reagan wouldn't agree with.
  • Jeb Bush isn't some awkward, clumsy goofball that is less likable than his brother and can be the tough-as-nails commander-in-chief because he eats nails before breakfast apparently.
  • Honestly, it was hard to tell what Ben Carson was saying half the time.

Seriously, if no one has anything original or spontaneous to say, what's the point of having these debates?

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