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THE WILDCATTERS' LOSERS: Post-Super Tuesday Hair of the Dog Primary Prognostications

The Huffington Post The Huffington Post 3/03/2016 Keith Gaddie
FLORIDA PRIMARY © Alex Wong via Getty Images FLORIDA PRIMARY

So the Ol' Wildcatter pulled out the Little Smart Pill Machine again to give you a preview of next week's Likely Party Primary Losers. The following is strictly for amusement; please, no wagering.
Last week the Little Smart Pill Machine was 17-4 counting the Cruz Morale Loss Win in Texas, with misses in the GOP primaries for Arkansas, Minnesota, and Oklahoma, and the Oklahoma SDP primary. Sometimes the more you know, the harder it is to predict the future. In this presidential primary season, knowledge has almost always been a hindrance rather than a help. (Gaddie isn't allowed to handicap his state of residence for the rest of the season).
Let's get started (with apologies to Leonard Postoasties)!
Saturday, March 5
Louisiana: The Bayou State parties closed their party primaries this year after an experiment in inclusiveness four years ago. The Battle in the Swamp offer the best baseline of the David Duke effect in its natural environment. This is fertile ground for Donald Trump and his merry band of trumpeters. On the Democratic side, African Americans dominate the playing field from 200 miles above Tiger Stadium all the way to the Chalmette battlefield.
WILDCATTERS' LOSER (Democratic Primary): Bernie Sanders
WILDCATTERS' LOSER (Republican Primary): Marco Rubio
Nebraska (Democrats): Cornhuskers caucus and the prospects are replete for a Populist Prairie fire repeat! We've got no data and no idea what might transpire! But that won't keep us from making a prediction because when the electorates are small and the population is nearly 90% white, the SDP wins.
WILDCATTERS' LOSER : Hillary Clinton
Kansas: With all due respect to Thomas Frank, what's not the matter with Kansas these days? The Jayhawks are running their government on Groupon and deposit bottles, so Barack Obama's ancestral homeland cancelled the primary in favor of caucuses, or a Mad Max car rally depending on gas prices. Even though friends don't let friends forecast caucuses, we're venturing out into the deep unknown with no data and no sense of what's going on up there in Oz.
WILDCATTERS' LOSER (Democratic Caucus): The Witch
WILDCATTERS' LOSER (Republican Caucus): The Tin Man
Maine (Republicans): Gov. Paul LePage finds his bromance with Team Drumpf! Hippie ears from Portland to Watertown will burn white hot from the rhetoric.
WILDCATTERS' LOSER: John Kasich
Sunday, March 6
Maine (Democrats): It's New England. Portland. Hippies. Maybe Mike Saxl can jump in as a favorite son and split the vote (j/k Mike), but that's unlikely. Feeling the Bern this Sunday will taste a whole lot like lobster.
WILDCATTERS' LOSER: Hillary Clinton.
Puerto Rico: No tenemos ningún dato buenas, pero hay un montón de veteranos en Puerto Rico, por lo que estamos apostando por Donald Trump. Los puertorriqueños no votan para los cubanos.
WILDCATTERS' LOSERS (Republican Caucus): Rafael y Marco.
March 8
Michigan: The Democratic carnival rolls into Flint as Bernie tries to fracture the Clintons' ties to the large black electorate in Detroit and also play on the tattered remains of the labor movement. It isn't nearly enough because, except for the weather, MeekChicken is basically Alabama in the Democratic primary. On the GOP side, Trump triumphs as Kasich hears again and again why all the trees in Kentucky bend south - because Ohio blows.
WILDCATTERS' LOSER (Democratic Primary): Bernie Sanders
WILDCATTERS' LOSER (Republican Primary): Joe Scarborough's sanity
Mississippi: Remember the Super Tuesday primaries in Alabama, Georgia, and South Carolina? Wash, rinse, repeat! On the Republican side, the only question is whether Trump can beat Theodore Bilbo.
WILDCATTERS' LOSER (Democratic Primary): Bernie Sanders
WILDCATTERS' LOSER (Republican Primary): The 20th Century
Hawaii: We've got no data, but Romney 'purt near won a majority here in the '12 caucus. We're banking on June Jones (offensive coordinator, Kapolei High School) to take it all.
WILDCATTERS' LOSER (Republican Caucus): Donald Trump
Idaho: This is 'Murica, by gawd. Trump will stand astride Idaho like a great Orange Julius Caser.
WILDCATTERS' LOSERS (Republican Primary): Ted Cruz & Marco Rubio
Holding Tank: March 12, District of Columbia Republican convention, North Mariana Islands Democratic convention; March 15, North Mariana Islands Republican caucus, Florida primaries, Illinois primaries, North Carolina primaries, Ohio primaries; March 19, Virgin Islands Republican caucus, Rick Pitino's future employment.
Get me out of here Percy!

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