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Trump Steak or Cruz Machine Gun Bacon? Either Way, It's Going to Be a Party in Cleveland

The Huffington Post The Huffington Post 21/03/2016 Cynthia Dill
GOP DEBATE © Carolyn Cole via Getty Images GOP DEBATE

Republicans preach a philosophy of traditional values, and it might be an old-fashioned shootout that decides once and for all who the true conservative is this year, harkening back to the good old days of Alexander Hamilton.
It's fitting, really, that the so-called conservative nomination for president might be answered with a duel at the Republican National Convention in July. What's more conventional than a gunfight to solve our differences?
Hamilton was, of course, the famous assistant to George Washington, first secretary of the treasury and one of the Founding Philanderers who was shot in a duel by Vice President Aaron Burr on July 11, 1804, in New Jersey, of all places.
Fast-forward 200 years, and this Federalist's story is now the hottest musical on Broadway. Millions and millions of people are clamoring to see this show -- and Hamilton was an immigrant. Imagine what the playwrights can do with Donald Trump's all-American material. It's no wonder he dares risking his life heading into the Republican convention in Cleveland -- more fame and fortune are at stake.
"I think we'll win before getting to the convention, but I can tell you, if we didn't and if we're 20 votes short or if we're 100 short and we're at 1,100 and somebody else is at 500 or 400, because we're way ahead of everybody, I don't think you can say that we don't get it automatically," Trump said. "I think it would be -- I think you'd have riots. I think you'd have riots. I'm representing a tremendous, many, many millions of people."
And you can bet all the money at the Trump Taj Mahal that these tremendous, many, many millions of people will be carrying guns that theoretically, anyway, would protect him, assuming he's the good guy.
But is he? We know Trump can bring home the bacon -- we've heard it a thousand times. He's made millions and millions of dollars, etc., but is he the true conservative?
Or does that mantle belong to Texas' Ted Cruz, who not only brings home the bacon, but also cooks it for his family on the weekends after church -- using a machine gun.
"Of course, in Texas, we cook bacon a little differently than most folks," Cruz says in his campaign video, as he demonstrates wrapping bacon around the barrel of a machine gun and then firing off several rounds to cook it.
That's pretty hard core.
"Mmm, machine-gun bacon," he then says with a smile, sounding truly conservative.
Machine-gun bacon or Trump steak? It's a tough choice for those lucky enough to survive the convention while being feted by the two contenders for the nomination, both of whom surely will be packing heat as they dazzle the daylights out of the delegates.
And the more guns the merrier. Because more guns will make the attendees more safe while rioting and eating red meat.
"If you had more guns, you'd have more protection because the right people would have the guns," Trump said, and without guns mentally ill people (maybe even Cruz supporters) could "come through the cracks" and "do things that people will not even believe are possible."
And on this point, Cruz agrees.
"You don't stop bad guys by taking away our guns; you stop bad guys by using our guns," insists Cruz.
But that's the point. Who's the good guy -- you know -- the true conservative?
What's a poor delegate to do?
Don't look to the establishment for any help.
Sen. Lindsey Graham said back in January, "If you're a Republican and your choice is Donald Trump and Ted Cruz in a general election, it's the difference between poisoned or shot -- you're still dead." Graham has since picked shot and is now raising money for Cruz.
You might think that since there's going to be a riot and stuff, the Republican National Convention could just bans guns, like they did in 2012.
But then Lord knows who might show up. According to Trump, gun-free zones are "target practice for the sickos and for the mentally ill. They look around for gun-free zones," and we don't want any more sickos than necessary at the convention.
"I have never and will never support banning guns," Cruz has promised.
So guns and riots and red meat it is. The establishment ran things in 2012 when Mitt Romney was nominated to be the Republican candidate, but the cowboys are in charge now. P-A-R-T-Y!
It's all fun and games until somebody gets hurt, but look on the bright side: After the rioting in Cleveland this summer, there will always be "Trump the Musical" to look forward to on Broadway. What a riot.

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