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I Could Still Totally Take Out A New F-150

Jalopnik logo Jalopnik 7/27/2021 A Tank
a pile of smoke: That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight. © Photo: U.S. Army That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.

A number of blogs and viral tweets have been making the case that new Ford F-150s, Rams, and other pickups and SUVs have grown as big as the tanks that fought in WWII. To this I say: So? I would still easily crush any of them in combat.

As an M4 Sherman, I have nothing to prove. I am the one who strode across France. I am the one who rumbled into Germany, the poster child of the Arsenal of Democracy. I am trusty and reliable, and I weigh 30-odd tons. Sure, I am not much wider or taller than a new Suburban, but do you think you can option a 75mm gun at your local Chevy dealer? I do not think so.

That Suburban is woefully under-equipped in protective armor, completely vulnerable to any of my onboard firepower. My .50-caliber Browning automatics would shred its vulnerable drivetrain and exposed tires. Rendering a Suburban, Silverado, any GMC immobile would be child’s play, certainly in comparison to my time at the Bulge, El Alamein, or any of those little Belgian villages I passed through and can’t quite remember. The ‘40s were a long time ago.

Needless to say, I would have no trouble hunting down any of these pickups, and I would know just what to do when I got to them. Ever see me crush a car? Not a problem. Do it in my sleep.

These new pickups have another thing coming if they think that just because they take up as much space on a wide French boulevard as I do, they deserve as much space on it, too. Do not step to me. I will neutralize you, just as soon as any of these museum attendants do the routine maintenance I’ve been asking for since Bush 1.

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