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Mom Says We Should Ask Babies for Consent Before Picking Them Up

Mom.me logo Mom.me 6 days ago Kristen Oganowski

© Provided by Whalerock Industries Photograph by Twenty20

A woman in San Francisco recently sparked curiosity, celebration and outrage with one simple Instagram post. In that post—an adorable selfie featuring her super-adorable baby, Raven—Nisha Moodley explains that she always asks baby Raven before she picks him up. Then, as she puts it, she “feels for his ‘yes’.”

According to Moodley, her goal is to teach her young son about consent and bodily autonomy. “[I] want him to know that his body is his,” she writes in her caption, “and that others’ bodies are theirs, and no one gets to make choices about someone else’s body.”

Not everyone understood the purpose behind this particular parenting practice, however. In fact, Moodley eventually opted to disable the comments on her post as a result of the rampant name-calling and “immature, thoughtless vitriol” people were leaving on her feed.

Vitriol aside, it might be easy to see why some find this practice cumbersome and, frankly, a bit weird. A caretaker may pick up a baby 100 times over the course of a day. Must they ask the baby’s consent all 100 times? And what does it mean to “feel for a ‘yes’” anyway? Can pre-verbal babies truly indicate some semblance of consent? And might they risk missing out on the importance of spontaneous touch and affection?

Moodley addressed some of these concerns in an interview with Yahoo Beauty. Babies do have their own ways of expressing or withholding consent, she explains. They can reach their arms out toward you, or they can turn their body away from you. In other words, they don’t need to know how to talk in order to express what they want (or don’t want).

Moreover, as Moodley writes in an addendum to her original post, some commenters incorrectly assumed that she’d “never touch [her] baby [without] his explicit consent.” But she still picks him up without “feeling for a ‘yes’” if he is in danger or has an urgent need. In those cases, safety comes before life lessons.

Since the moment he was born, we've always asked before we pick him up. I always feel for his "yes". Why? Because we want him to know that his body is his, and that others' bodies are theirs, and no one gets to make choices about someone else's body. . #lessonsinsovereignty #bornfree #endrapeculture . Sidenote: If you ever want to hold someone else's baby, my suggestion is to ask the parent, then ask the kid. It always touches my heart when someone takes a moment to connect with him and says "Can I hold you, dude?" . ADDENDUM: Comments are disabled. Thanks to everyone who shared your support & also those who didn't agree, but were thoughtful & respectful. Unfortunately, hundreds of people just came here to call me nasty names & wish terrible things upon myself & my child. I'm not interested in engaging with that kind of immature, thoughtless vitriol, even if just to delete. I pray we learn to meet our fellow humans w/ curiosity & compassion. . This short post was followed by a 10 min interview with a very kind reporter, which was turned into a short article. It wasn't designed to be a piece of in-depth journalism. Most media isn't. A whole bunch of other media spun-off from that. I have spoken w/ no other reporters; no one has asked me questions or checked facts. . Some have assumed that I'd never touch my baby w/out his explicit consent. That's not what I'm saying. I love my son - I would never sit back & leave him in harm’s way. It’s my honor & responsibility to care for him in all the ways a mother would. . I also talk to him, ask him questions, and “attune” to him in the way that I think the majority of mothers do, intuitively. This is the beginning of a lifelong conversation about choice & consent. I believe that when children feel that they have *some appropriate* choice, it leads to a greater sense of healthy autonomy. I want him to make healthy choices with his body & respects others’ as well. . I am by no means saying that people are bad parents for not doing what I do. So long as we're not harming or neglecting our children, to each their own. I'm not a perfect parent. I'm simply working at being as loving & conscientious as I can be, every day.

A post shared by Nisha Moodley 🌙 (@nishamoodley) on

What’s more, Raven likely experiences plenty of spontaneous affection. (Let us not forget that the original photo is not only a selfie but a snuggly baby selfie.) But that affection is probably from caregivers, like his mother, whom he loves and trusts. 

This relates to the overall message that Moodley wants to teach her child.

“This is the beginning of a lifelong conversation about choice [and] consent,” she writes. “I believe that when children feel that they have some appropriate choice, it leads to a greater sense of healthy autonomy. I want him to make healthy choices with his body and respect others’ as well.”

With this explanation, Moodley’s practice becomes not so weird, and not so seemingly cumbersome after all. In fact, the lessons one can draw from this practice seem to be as follows:

Babies deserve to be treated like persons and not baby dolls. They might not be able to exercise their autonomy yet, but their burgeoning autonomy deserves respect.

Loving touch is wonderful. Even so, no one has the right to force loving touch on another person: not a grandparent, not an aunt or uncle, not a cousin, not a friend. Everyone’s bodies deserve respect.

And if you want to teach your child about reciprocity, start when they are young. They can say yes or no to another person’s touch; other people can say yes or no to their touch. The yes or no, whether it is expressed verbally or through body language, deserves respect.

In sum, all people deserve respect—including babies.

And that idea really doesn't seem weird at all.

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