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Minor league team has greatest, most dangerous promotion

SB Nation logo SB Nation 2/21/2020 Whitney Medworth, Eric Stephen, Sydney Kuntz, Sam Eggleston, and David Fucillo
a baseball player holding a bat on a field

Minor League Baseball has officially gone too far. The latest, weird promotion to come from the sport is for fans to bring a live fish and live bison to a game. If you do, you get free tickets for life.

Yes, they want you to walk up to their stadium in Great Falls, Montana, with a fish in one hand and a bison in another.

Not only is this just bonkers and possibly extremely dangerous and harmful, I don’t even understand how one would pull it off. So I asked my colleagues at SB Nation how they’d do it.

Money talks

It’s simple, really. You take a pickup truck, a livestock trailer, and you go and borrow a baby bison from a ranch and bring it, along with a goldfish in a bag that you purchased from a pet store, to the stadium. If you can’t borrow one, then buy it.

It’s much easier to find bison in a ready-to-cook form in Great Falls, but there is a bison ranch just about 90 minutes (87.8 miles) away from the Great Falls Voyagers in a town called White Sulphur Springs. At the Broken Willow Bison Ranch, you can get a buffalo for a variety of reasons such as for meat, breeding stock, or even for training cutting horses (you can also hunt them or buy meat there, but those won’t help you with this contest).

You might want to check on their return policy though. A fish isn’t so hard to keep in an apartment in a tank, but a baby bison? Your landlord or home owner’s association most likely has rules against pets of that size.

— Sam Eggleston

Bye, son

While it might be easiest to just stop by the nearest pet store and grab a goldfish or betta pre-packaged in a plastic bag, that just isn’t practical here. If you’re at a ball game you’re going to want snacks, so you’ll to need your hands to be relatively free. Thankfully, I recently watched the new Taylor Swift documentary Miss Americana, and was introduced to the perfect solution by Ms. Swift herself.

It is the cat backpack, shown below.

© Photo (and product) from Groot Gadgets.
This cat is clearly having an excellent time.

Obviously this invention is lifesaving, and it’s the perfect way to keep your fish comfortable while still giving it a view of the game. Granted, the bag probably isn’t waterproof, but anyone who’s ever seen a Flex Seal infomercial knows that’s an easy fix.

The bigger of the two challenges is the bison, but it’s definitely not impossible. Since you have until August to prepare, simply find a young calf this spring and begin the process of bonding with it until it’s comfortable spending time with you out in public. Bison are inherently good, and once you have a deep connection and mutual respect with one, I imagine he’ll be happy to spend some time with you at a good, old-fashioned baseball game.

After you’ve received your prize, just tell your new (bi)son that it’s time him to move on and let him out into the world. If you raised him well, he’ll thrive.

Sydney Kuntz

Gaming the system

I’d like to bring Matt Kemp with me to the game, considering he is live and his “The Bison” nickname dates back over a deacde, to his early days with the Dodgers. Since Kemp is currently on a minor league deal with the Marlins, I’d try to make him count as both a bison and a fish.

But if that wasn’t allowed, I’d try to ride an actual bison at least through the parking lot to the stadium entrance. There would be a roughly zero-percent chance I’d make it the entire way, and would be easily bucked off, but hopefully someone would be filming my shame because I’m all in favor of the content.

— Eric Stephen

All about the alumni

Four words: Diddy and a fish

— David Fucillo

No.

I would not try this.

— Whitney Medworth

The kicker in all this is figuring out just how long “tickets for life” will last, considering Great Falls is one of 42 minor league teams on MLB’s proposed cut list. The Voyagers might not even exist as an affiliated franchise after 2020, so enjoy those free tickets as long as you can.

Related slideshow: Best photos of spring training (provided by imagn)

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