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‘The Bachelor’ Recap: Nick Viall Is Living His Nightmare

Variety logo Variety 1/10/2017 Seth Kelley
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It’s episode two of “The Bachelor” and introductions are over. Jealous that you didn’t get to talk about your salacious past hookups with Nick, or yell that you “have balls” during the premiere? Well, now it’s too late. There are at least a dozen people in the house about whom pretty much everyone watching is perfecting their best collective Mariah Carey impression: “I don’t know her.”

Still, there are also some real stand-outs. At the beginning of the episode, Corinne (this season’s Olivia) is “so excited.” First-impression winner Rachel only slept for “like two hours.” Chris Harrison asks the women what they thought of the first day. Nick is “not what they expected at all!” Is that… a good thing? Their tone of voice would indicate yes, but to be determined.

First, Nick asks a gaggle of gals out for a wedding-themed group date. They do. Vanessa is the 80s bride, while Danielle L. gets the “traditional wedding”… Overall not the most creative themes, but Brittany is dealt a more interesting hand in the form of a few leaves taped to some undies. She’s the “Adam and Eve” bride! “Where’s the top?” she asks. Silly Brittany, there isn’t one. But if you thought that Biblical cosplay was going to be the most risqué moment of the date, you were mistaken.

Because, after all, Corinne is present. “I would have been better for that outfit” she says referring to the strategically and sparsely-arranged foliage. And, although she was appointed the bikini-ed bride, Corinne makes Nick take off her top and grab her — kids, cover your eyes — melons in front of all the other women.

“There’s no way Corinne’s going to win this thing,” Jasmine G. remarks. Corinne wins. But the fun doesn’t end there.

It’s worth pointing out that, by the time they get to the second part of the date, Corinne seems — how to say it? — quite sauced. So maybe that’s a potential way to excuse some of the references to herself in the third person, and absurd sermons to the other women about how they should behave. (“No matter how rude it gets, you’re here for Nick. And that’s it,” she tells them.)

Corinne proceeds to interrupt other bachelorettes’ one-on-one moments with Nick several times throughout the night. She even cuts in on Alexis! (Memory jog: she’s the “aspiring dolphin trainer.”) No one interrupts Alexis! Regardless of how long these conversations actually take in real time, the show makes it seem like every 10 seconds Corinne returns to shove her competition out of the way and make out with Nick mid-sentence.

That’s when a rivalry between Corinne and Taylor begins to bubble to the surface. Corinne wants to win Nick over with her overt sexuality. Taylor thinks that Nick will choose his future wife based on personality (Note: There is essentially zero evidence to support Taylor’s theory). Corinne gets the rose, and the other women are destroyed. “Dad would be proud,” Corinne grins.

Danielle M. gets the first one-on-one date, and we know from the bios released before the show started that she has a tragic past. Will she tell Nick about her dead fiancé? She does, and gets a rose. But it’s really not a huge plot point in the episode because …

Liz the doula!!! Remember her? This episode really causes one to wonder how many times the producers made Liz tell the story about hooking up with Nick months before the show started. Sure they dub in the “Jade and Tanner” line a few times, but she talks about what happened while wearing several different outfits over the course of the episode.

Liz decides to spill the beans to Christen, and at this point we know that Christen will probably tell Nick and also every single person that will listen. After Liz’s confession, the camera cuts to a flamingo inner tube with a deflated neck, its head collapsed, nearly meets the water. Foreshadowing.

For the third and final date of the episode, Nick takes a half-dozen women — including Liz and Christen — on a cheery group outing to the Museum of Broken Relationships where he shows them the ring he picked out for Kaitlyn, which is conveniently on display. You know Nick — that guy who’s always talking about his exes.

At the museum, Nick’s potential wives take turns pretending to break up with him. Some, like Josephine, go for it. “How many more bottles will I have to pick up before you realize you’re losing me?” she asks after slapping him across the face. Others, like Liz, go the route of reading him a monologue off her phone about the time they slept together months before the show started taping. OK, that was only Liz. “This is crazy, but, like, life and love are crazy, so …” Christen nails it.

“I’m living my nightmare,” Nick says after the performances. During their one-on-one time, Christen tells Nick that she’s in on Liz’s secret, so Nick pulls the sneaky doula aside. “The more I talk to Liz, the less she makes sense,” Nick says after asking her why exactly she is trying to date him after not contacting him post-one-night-stand. He ends up sending her home, and returns to the room to tell the remaining bachelorettes about that fateful night. That’s right, for Nick — at least when it comes to Liz — a simple “I don’t know her” just won’t cut it.

To be continued…

Corinne's best one-liners, ranked: 

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