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Stephen Colbert Thanks Donald Trump For Ratings, Announces New ‘Criminal Minds’ Star James Comey At CBS Upfront

Deadline logo Deadline 5/17/2017 Lisa de Moraes
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“Hello and welcome. I’m your host, Stephen Colbert,” the CBS late-night show, in top hat and tails, said at the top of CBS’s Upfront presentation, after executing one of those kitchy song-and-dance numbers that earned him rave reviews during election season political convention nights.

“I want to welcome the whole CBS family,” Colbert said, especially naming the network’s “incredible affiliates and, of course, a special welcome to the hot new star of Criminal Minds, James Comey.”

It’s an honor to be here at Carnegie Hall,” Colbert said, noting, “It’s been a great year for Late Show,” and, giving credit where credit was due, added, “Thank you, Donald Trump.”

“It’s been an honor to be on stage and talk about that day’s Trump” rannygazoo, Colbert told the crowd of media buyers, network execs and reporters. “Unfortunately, the hour I spend on stage means often missing news of tomorrow’s scandal,” Colbert said, making it tough not to “sound as out of touch as Sean Spicer does.”

Speaking of Spicer, “I don’t know if you have seen him lately,” Colbert said, adding it “helps to have a pair of hedge trimmers around.”

And, like Spicer, Colbert said that, in making his appearance at CBS’s Upfront he will “say whatever my boss tells me to and then leave without having answered any of your questions.”

“There is only one word to describe this president – and the FCC has sked me not to use it any more,” Colbert said, happily.

“The president recently has had harsh things to say about me,” including a charge his language was not appropriate for Late Show “because kids are watching.”

“Who says only old people are watching CBS?!” Colbert beamed.

“Thank you, Mr. President! Were No.1 in 6-12 year old politically engaged insomniacs!”

President Trump and Colbert have things in common, the late-night host said, both being TV show hosts who spend most of their time talking about Donald Trump.

“But, unlike Trump, my guests know they’re being taped.”

The president is not a fan of Late Show “but, like his votes on Election day, he’s in the minority,” Colbert beamed, Late Show being the most watched late-night program these days.

But it’s not really so surprising, Colbert added, CBS being “full of No. 1 shows, with The Big Bang Theory being the No. 1 comedy, 60 Minutes the No. 1 news program, and NCIS the No. 1 drama and the No. 1 NCIS.

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