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'Out-of-touch Tories think they have discovered the solution to poverty'

Mirror logo Mirror 21/05/2022 Mark Steel

Several Conservative MPs have kindly offered advice to the poor and hungry.

For example, Rachel Maclean suggested that if you’re struggling you could “move to a better-paid job.”

At last someone has discovered the solution to poverty.

If a woman pleads at the benefits office how she can’t feed her kids, she should be told: “Have you considered becoming the Queen? She seems to do all right so instead of grumbling, why not do the same as her?”

If you find it hard to live on Universal Credit, stop working in a hospital and run Formula 1 racing instead. You might have to go to Brazil and China and spray champagne over the winner, but you can’t complain if you’re not prepared to graft.

Many people debate the reason why recessions happen. For example in the 1930s, hundreds of millions starved as industries shut down in Europe, across America and Australia.

Now we know the most likely reason is they all decided to be poor at once. There was a craze for walking barefoot and living with mice, like the current one for Wordle, until everyone changed their mind and decided to afford food.

Also, Tory MP Lee Anderson said foodbanks are “largely unnecessary”, but are used because people can’t cook properly.

Chancellor Rishi Sunak and his wife are in the Sunday Times rich list © PA Chancellor Rishi Sunak and his wife are in the Sunday Times rich list

Exactly! We’ve forgotten the old crafts that used to get us by.

In the old days, if we couldn’t afford a meal we became highwaymen, stopping carriages as they were riding to London and taking bags of gold coins off them.

If we wanted something straight away, we would hold up a musket and demand: “Stand and deliver a cheese and pickle sandwich”.

Or we would make imaginary meals that cost absolutely nothing. Stewed armadillo with dodo egg was always a favourite and full of nutrition. These MPs could go to an area of Somalia blighted with famine and tell hungry people to stop sitting around covered in flies and become the owner of a computer software company in Los Angeles instead.

They could even make a charity record, “Feed the world, learn to make a soup from pebbles”.

The Conservative Party often emphasises how it’s the party of the Church, and this is why. They follow the teachings of Jesus, who as it says in the Bible: “Stood before the thousands who were hungry, with only five loaves and two fishes. And Jesus did say unto them, ‘Thou hath lost the art of making it stretch. Take half a crumb each and boileth it up with dust from the mountains of Galilee, covereth it in cling film and placeth in the freezer. Thou shalt hath enough for three weeks. Otherwise don’t moaneth to me about being famished’.”

Also this week, it was announced that Chancellor Rishi Sunak is in the Sunday Times rich list, at number 222, with £730million. If this leaves him short, I advise him to move to a better paid number such as 17, so he can make ends meet.

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