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Should I Get A Divorce? 5 Tell-Tale Signs Your Marriage Might Be Over

Harper’s BAZAAR logo Harper’s BAZAAR 11-10-2018 Natasha Harding
Should I Get A Divorce? 5 Tell-Tale Signs Your Marriage Might Be Over © Provided by Bauer Media Pty Ltd Should I Get A Divorce? 5 Tell-Tale Signs Your Marriage Might Be Over

Anybody who's lived through divorce will tell you it's a life-changing decision. It has the potential to breaks hearts, homes and even families apart. But, despite the downsides of divorce, it can still be the right thing to do, for both yourself and your loved ones. The catch? You need to know that the fairly drastic option is actually what you want before you go throwing the 'd' word around.

For those who've ever contemplated divorce, it's hard to know—at least with certainty—if leaving your partner altogether is the right decision.

Here to offer some guidance on the matter is Psychosexual and Relationship Therapist, Christine Rafe from Good Vibes Clinic, to talk us through the five red flags that suggest divorce might be the answer.

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"In any committed relationship, it is inevitable that there will be disagreements, and sometimes full-blown arguments, over important (and sometimes unimportant) things. 

  1. You are arguing more than ever

"The important stuff usually includes finances, raising children, intimacy and lack of quality time spent together, to name a few. This is simply because you are two different people with your own priorities, expectations and views of the same reality.

"Relationships are all about working together to find a happy medium between what each of you want, and understanding each other's points of view, even if you don't necessarily agree with it.

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"When you notice you are having more and more disagreements, particularly if they now include smaller, unimportant things that you never used to argue about, this is a sign you may be harbouring resentment over unresolved issues.

"Approaching disagreements with criticism of the others point of view or an "I know best" attitude, is setting you up for failure.

"Extensive research completed by Couple's Therapists, Dr's John and Julie Gottman, found that around 70% of disagreements within marriages are perpetual problems that will likely never be resolved.

"With this in mind, the focus when in conflict should be on placing the issue outside the relationship and tackling the problem together, as opposed to blaming one another. This often requires professional intervention."

2. You both want different things in your life

"While opposites attract in many ways, if similarities don't exist in your core, underlying values and goals for the future, this is a major problem.

"If you are married to someone who doesn't want to have kids and it's something you have dreamt about since you were eight years old, this is something that's difficult to 'find a happy medium' on.

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"Understanding your partner's values for relationships and goals for their future is important in determining if this really is the right place for you long term. Some compromise is essential in a marriage, but not if it means going against your core values."

3. You are no longer friends with each other

"Friendship is the foundation of a successful long-term marriage. This is not to say that passion and sexual intimacy should be discounted, but without a friendship, there is not a lot to hold couples together when energy levels and looks begin to fade.

"For many couples I see in my clinic, the diminished friendship is firstly noticed through lack of physical and sexual intimacy, and can be mistaken for a loss of desire for one another.

"The reality for many people is that they do not feel a desire to be vulnerable and intimate with someone they feel has been unkind, unfair or doesn't value their opinion or time."

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4. You would rather be anywhere else

"If you'd prefer to stay back late at work than go home and spend time with your partner, this is a big sign that you may be headed for a relationship breakdown.

"In a marriage, it's vital to have time away from your partner either on your own or with friends and family, but if you find yourself looking for excuses to not be at home when your partner is there, this shows you do not enjoy or value the time you spend together.

"It may also be a sign that you feel unheard, disrespected or unequal to your partner, or that you bicker every time you are together.If this is the case, think about the specific reasons you don't want to spend time with them. Once you have identified why you are avoiding time together, you will be able to assess the seriousness of the situation."

5. One or both of you have been unfaithful

"While affairs do not always signify the end of a marriage, they are often an indication of serious underlying issues within the relationship.

"Despite popular belief, affairs are not always the outcome of a sexless marriage. In my experience in working with infidelity, any or all of the above points fuel many affairs. Feeling unheard, criticised or belittled, loss of friendship and emotional connection, and feeling neglected or undesired, are all major reasons people stray.

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"Recent research in human neuroscience has identified that our need to connect with people we love is as basic as our need for food. If there is a lack of physical and emotional connection in your marriage, you could be headed toward infidelity and/or a relationship breakdown.

"If this sounds like you, talking to your partner about your concerns (or seeking professional support to discuss these issues) is essential in preventing infidelity and divorce."

Suggested: 27 people reveal the moment they knew the wedding was doomed (Provided by INSIDER)

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