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'Powerless' Stay-at-Home Mom Wants Husband to Pay Her a Salary Instead of Sharing 'His' Money

Mom.me logo Mom.me 5/22/2019 Genny Glassman
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Anyone who's been a stay-at-home mom knows that it is a full-time job without the hefty paycheck for your efforts at the end of the week. Because of the amount of time, effort, and care SAHMs put into every hour of their day — often without any appreciation — one mom has had enough. After finally getting tired of her frugal husband begrudgingly allowing her to have spending money, she thinks there needs to be a change in the family dynamics: She wants a portion of his paycheck to go toward an official salary for her, so she doesn't have to ask to spend "his" money when she works just as hard.

The mom explained that after three years of being a stay-at-home mom, she's done with feeling like she has no power financially.

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Although the anonymous mom has agreed to stay home ever since her son was born, she didn't sign up to have "no power" when it came to the finances of her relationship. In a post shared on Reddit, she explained that her husband earns good money, "but he's very frugal about nonessential spending because he wants to be financially independent (no job, earnings from investments) at an early age."

The young mom explained that they've been married for four years and have a toddler, and she hasn't worked outside of the home since getting pregnant nearly three years ago. "But now there are a lot of things I want to change but don't know how to, especially when it comes to finances which I feel like I have no power over," she wrote. "I like eating out, going out with friends, going shopping, etc. All the normal things people in their 20s buy and do."

That wasn't a problem earlier in their relationship because she had her own money.

But now her husband's frugal ways are so tight she has to call him any time she wants to spend over $150.

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Recently, the two have been having "mini fights" every time she wanted to buy anything over $150, "which is the limit he set that needs a 'conversation.'"

"This means if I go out to get clothing, makeup, brunch, little treats, etc. and the amount exceeds $150, I would need to call him beforehand and talk about what I'm buying," she wrote. "It feels extremely restrictive and quite frankly, humiliating."

That is why the mom has a plan that not everyone agrees with. Would it be so wrong if her husband paid her a salary to watch their kids? Her sister has a similar "agreement" with her husband.

"She gets about $3,500 a month because that's how much it would cost them to hire an outside nanny where they live," she wrote. "It's a bit cheaper where we live so I wouldn't be asking as much, but would I be the a**hole to suggest a similar arrangement with my husband so I don't need to go groveling for money every time I want to buy myself something nonessential?" she wondered.

Some people just thought the mom was being greedy for wanting to spend money on new shoes.

"You're talking about using $900 dollars (or in that general ballpark) on average a month on nonessential things, $350 for shoes," one person commented. "For a lot of people, $900 dollars is rent and utilities, not just... fun money. I do think you need to talk to him about perhaps having a 'total limit' on money you can spend rather than asking him every time for whether you can buy more than $150 of anything, but I think he has a point that it seems excessive."

"He’s sacrificing himself for a better future, and she said she wants to spend $350 on SHOES, lol," another person added.

"I only feel this way because I think you have a poor attitude," a third person chimed-in. "It sounds like you feel like your husband doesn’t treat you fairly. It sounds like he has a plan for the money to make everyone’s lives easier further down the road than you like to think about. Also, it’s not even slightly unreasonable to want to have a conversation before someone spends $150. That’s just part of being married."

"You want to live the life of a rich independent woman ($350 for shoes!!!!)," wrote another person. "But you don't work and are a mom. Act like one."

Though the mom later defended herself in the thread. "I mean...moms can want nice shoes sometime too," she wrote. "I’m not out there buying shoes every week. This is like a rare treat kind of thing."

And later clarified how much money she'd actually need to be taken care of. "I’d like (a separate account) but I’d like to ask for a set amount to be deposited in every month to spend on what I want that can exceed $150 for every purchase. Ideally I’d be happy with just $1,700-$2,000 a month I think," she wrote.

"It may sound excessive but it really isn’t where we live," she continued. "This includes meals I’d have with friends, personal products, and the occasional pick-me-up. We’re more upper middle class. Nowhere near wealthy."

And other people thought her husband was being too controlling.

"I don’t understand this. It’s not just his money. Everything he earns is also your money. I would laugh in my husband’s face if he tried to make me get his approval before making a $150 purchase," wrote one woman. "Heck, with three kids I’m spending like $400 a week just on groceries. He’s treating you like a child."

And another person added that others online were being too harsh. "I feel like people in here are making a LOT of assumptions about your family finances and what you're actually looking for," the person wrote. "I think it's perfectly reasonable to have a discussion with your spouse about finances and how much each person has a month for 'fun money.'"

"People act like child care and housework isn't still work," wrote someone else. "I think 3k seems a little excessive but asking for a stipend or allowance or whatever per month seems totally reasonable. You shouldn't feel shamed for wanting to makeup or shoes or whatever."

This story was originailly published on Mom.me sister siter CafeMom.

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