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She’s still obsessed with my boyfriend

The Boston Globe logo The Boston Globe 2/24/2022 Meredith Goldstein
a person posing for the camera: Love Letters © Provided by The Boston Globe Love Letters

Meredith wants to answer your question. Write to loveletters@globe.com or fill out this form.

Q. Simply put, this girl is obsessed with my boyfriend. Not to shift blame onto another woman entirely; my boyfriend is also to blame. I wrote to you a few months back because I found out my boyfriend had cheated on me and I moved out. He begged and pleaded, claiming he made a mistake. He asked to go to therapy together.

I do love him, and I know people make mistakes. However, in the time we weren’t together, he began to see the girl he had cheated on me with during the relationship. He was never exclusively dating her, since he was still seeing me nearly every day. Regardless, this girl fell for him (who knows how he truly felt; he told me he didn’t care, but my intuition tells me otherwise). Over the summer, the girl came forward and told me that she knew we were dating and living together when they got together, and that she was in love with him.

She told me she did not want to be with him unless I was out of the picture, but continues to pursue him when I am in the picture. He has not spoken to her, but I found out that she had been reaching out to him, and that she had, in fact, moved next door to where he lives. Creepy much?

She has made me feel so uncomfortable, to the point where I am even scared to go out with my boyfriend on his side of the city — in fear of her trying to run me over with her car or something! She posts on social media (TikTok, Instagram) about how she “can’t move on.” It’s really making therapy and working to mend our relationship difficult, because I know someone else is openly obsessing over him. Should I confront this girl one more time and see if I can finally put an end to it? I’ve been nothing but nice, and even listened to her tell me her feelings about him.

26 AND WONDERING IF ALL THIS BS IS WORTH IT

A. I can’t tell you this relationship is worth the struggle. I will tell you that after reading this letter — and knowing that it’s your second — it does sounds like you’d do better on your own.

I’m glad the two of you are in therapy as you figure this out. Please use some of that time to talk about how to manage your feelings and fears about this other woman.

Also, please block her (the other woman, not the therapist). You don’t need to watch these TikToks or look at her Instagram. Don’t let her use social media as a tool for communication with you. If you stop reading, that ends.


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Do not approach her again. She’s not your friend. You can’t fix this for her.

My thought is that you’ve been keeping these lines open because you want to check up on your boyfriend. Perhaps you’re scanning her profiles to see if she writes, “This man started cheating with me again. His girlfriend doesn’t know!” You shouldn’t have to monitor anything to feel good about what you have. You need to be able to trust him without becoming a detective. Can you? It doesn’t sound like it.

If this question is overwhelming, ask the therapist for a referral to see someone on your own. It’s time to trust that intuition and put yourself first.

MEREDITH

READERS RESPOND:

Maybe getting rid of the problem starts by identifying the actual problem. Your boyfriend started this whole mess by sleeping with the other woman. Keep that in perspective as you decide what to do.

SUNALSORISES

The correct thing to do here should be crystal clear, yet you have written two letters asking for advice. That leads me to believe you love all this drama. I can’t help you with that. Good luck.

PMCD101

She doesn’t seem to be the only one obsessed. You’re regularly checking her social media. Is this guy the last single man in a 20-mile radius? Move on before you write to Love Letters a third time.

DANGLEPARTICIPLE

Read more Love Letters.

Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.

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